Minneapolis, MN – An apparition resembling late-Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad was reportedly spotted defecating on the Target Field pitching mound late Sunday evening, according to employees of the organization.
While the events of Sunday evening are still under investigation, initial reports indicate that assistant groundskeeper Larry Prentice was in the process of removing a build-up of ice over the third-base dugout at about 9 pm when he witnessed a “spirit-like” figure extricate his bowels on the pitching rubber.
“When I first walked onto the field, it looked like someone had just blown a cloud of smoke over the pitching mound,” said a visibly shaken Prentice. “As I looked more closely, though, the cloud took the shape of Mr. Pohlad. I couldn’t believe my eyes at first, but then there he was floating above the mound like an angel.”
What Prentice witnessed next, however, was anything but angelic.
“For whatever reason, the figure squatted over the pitching rubber and really started laying down the law, if you know what I mean,” Prentice recounted. “When I asked him why he was taking a dump on his brand new field, he smiled and said ‘Who said anything about taking a shit? I’m leaving one!’ Kind of an old joke, but man, he laughed his ass off at that one.”
According to early reports, the excrement weighed between 8-9 ounces, was light brown in color, and had the odor of a spoiled bratwurst soaked in dirty bath water.
Paranormal experts called to the scene on Monday morning examined the droppings on the field, before taking samples back their lab for further testing. While not willing to validate the groundskeeper’s witness testimony without further study, scientists at the site did confirm that the ghost of the late-billionaire owner is on their list of suspected perpetrators.
“It is widely known that Mr. Pohlad had an affinity for the big soft-pretzels that were served at the Metrodome,” explained paranormal research scientist Vaughn Rogers. “The fact that the fecal remains were in the shape of just such a pretzel, while not conclusively pointing to Pohlad’s specter, does seem to indicate a strong possibility that this particular entity enjoyed them, as well.
Pohlad, who passed away in early 2009 from natural causes, was never able to see baseball played in the state-of-the-art stadium he had spent years lobbying to have built, a factor Rogers suspects may have led to the phantom poop.
“It is actually quite common for poltergeists to return to locations which house a feeling of unfinished business, if you will,” Vaughn said. “Perhaps Mr. Pohlad was simply following through on plans he had prior to passing into the next world.”
When reached for comment Monday, current Twins owner Jim Pohlad downplayed the idea that his father’s ghost would relieve himself in such a public and flashy manner.
“Nobody had as much love for this organization, or was as private about going two-sies, as my father,” said the younger Pohlad in a prepared statement. “Besides, anybody who’s watched as much Scooby Doo as I have knows that it probably wasn’t even a ghost. It was probably just Old Man Higgins trying to scare away tourists.”
One Twins player, however, wasn’t so sure of the Pohlad ghost’s innocence.
“I always tell people that I loved Mr. Pohlad like a father,” said right fielder Michael Cuddyer. “But truth be told, my real father never unrinated in my batting gloves as a joke. Carl did.”
Asked if he viewed the mystery poop as bad Karma for his pitching staff, Twins pitching coach Rick Anderson said, “Compared to what Scott Baker does out there every fifth day, I’d say Mr. Pohlad spruced up the place.”